"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14
For many, and I cannot stress this enough, many years I have been bombarded with thoughts of pastoral ministry---from confirmations and this insatiable drive---or if you would call it a "calling." Now I am one who requires certainty, and even today, as I write, I still continue to doubt--but it is a matter of moving in faith I suppose. This will be short, but I hope the words I will write encourage you to be full of hope for your life, pick yourself up from the ground and live within what you're supposed to do. As for pastoral ministry, again I am one who is well aware of my great flaws, I feel as if I am the embodiment of the Apostle Paul's, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do" (Romans 7: 15). However, being reminded by one of my amazing Professors, who happens to be a priest, "IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU." From others who confirm the same thing, and my wonderful friend Stephen who points daily to me that the ability is there, the gift, and everything else. Further, counting the various moments and opportunities I've had to "give a word of encouragement" to people--I've come to realize that either I am deluded, and all of those signs are mere "statistical impossibilities" being possible, OR, that there is a God who has fashioned me for some great work...that I ought to recognize.
Enough about me, but I hope you see the point I am making here---though I have my own abilities and gifts, and purpose--and I hinder myself, and hold myself back a lot---I realize that if in the words of the Roman playwright Terence, "Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto,” (I love Latin but I'll post the English): “I am a man, I consider nothing that is human alien to me.” It must be that we (you the reader and myself) share abilities, and a purpose too, and perhaps you yourself doubt it. We often run from our purpose due to a lack of feeling adequate, or worthy. I mean, I have been running for years I would say, so the same could be for you. That is a selfish spirit, for we seem to look within and try to do without, rather than looking without and letting it control within. It seems confusing but let us replace without with God. We seem to look within and try to please God, rather than looking to God and letting him control our within [renewing of mind, feeling worthy and etc.] None of us can please God......and I do not think we realize this, not even those evangelists who preach the word, not even your pastor who seems wonderful...NONE OF US CAN...............I do not know how to stress this enough. We are a perforated vase, and every "good" we do, comes out. Now the whole point is to not fall into despair, on the contrary, it should relieve you of a burden, which is perfectionism.
How do we go about our purpose, well to summarize it in the words of Persius, "Learn what God has willed you to be and find your place in the human world." Whatever it is you have been called to, that is your domain--and then, you simply find your place in the human world, living WITHIN your purpose, doing as you must. Now you're asking yourself, "I am dumb, I am stupid, I am anxious because am I enough." I want to remind you that these are the words of a person beaten and trodden by life, one who is blinded due to experiences that made them feel they are not intelligent or capable. I encountered a similar point---for crying out loud, I went through a very dark time during my middle school through freshman year of college, feeling myself to be a dotard--comparing myself with others and get this, I HAVE NOT READ A SINGLE PAGE OF PLATO, KANT, ETC. But overtime, realizing the purpose--the burden, the joy and the journey, meeting great individuals who believe in me, who support me--all these caused a radical change in me. You are capable, and you must realize that. It takes a considerable amount of time for that realization to come into play---and thus I encourage you to keep going. I have come up with this antidote, "Within the extremity of a capacity, there is your purpose." What is your capacity? What is your gift? You know it, and it is time to work on it, to maximize yourself and do what you must.
As the verse above says, "who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14." The very reason why God is, " I am" is because we are not. We should only know one thing, and look to that same thing as well---look not at your weaknesses, nor your failings, on the contrary, look to God's promise (the same one he gave to Gideon, Moses, David, Samson, etc.) " I WILL BE WITH YOU." Perhaps, though we are in some respects an infinite speck of dust in a vast world and in time--and there could be another to take our place, but maybe YOU were born for such a time as this...acknowledge that. Imposter syndrome is a kicker, doubt, shame, being bullied and many others, I have experienced many of these things, and I know how they warp your perception of yourself---but even when you deal with those emotions, which you will have to, just cling to one thing, or two, (1) God will be with you and (2) You're precious.
In conclusion, let me know if you'd like to know more on this--MAYBE I can create a podcast of some sorts, or write an essay on it. The entire point is, I encourage you to keep on your path--there will be occasional patches and moments of doubt, BUT whatever the gift is--whatever the calling is, in some sense, will be accomplished, supposing you accept it. Be blessed!
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