I have lately felt different--as if I have grown into who I am, for the most part. My purpose in life is clearer than ever, my conception of what I want to accomplish is before me--and the goals and dreams I wish to see past are ever present. Now to clear up a few things, or maybe even one: I realize the responsibility that comes with growing old, that I must regulate my emotions to a much greater degree, that the choices I make must be calculated, that certain pleasures are to be warded off, that I must build and sculpt myself into the man I wish to be, and that I am still ignorant--for the most part inexperienced and walking through life. To that last clause I must ask, who really is experienced? For though here and there we may find some pattern in this reality, either pertaining to the planets, or human nature--we all walk our own path, trying to find our own way.
I realized too that I have broken fear from a certain ideology--the burden of "becoming" a pastor. I have, since young, been told that I am to be a pastor, that I am to do x, y, and z. I am fed up with it, for I have seen how it led to mental suicide, a state where I know not what I wanted to do--or rather, wanted to become something that others wish of me. Hence why I disavow the entire "God told me to tell you." Can it happen? Yes, but should we go around saying it? No. For I experience the hurt and pain, the anxiety, guilt and shame that comes with such a statement, when what "God has told me" has not passed; when what "God told me." is not what I feel God is leading me towards. So much of our state is burdened with leaning on a word, and not seeking it for ourselves--or making decisions on our own, with guidance of course, for as it is said, "But there are some things that you cannot be sure of. You must take a chance. If you wait for perfect weather, you will never plant your seeds. If you are afraid that every cloud will bring rain, you will never harvest your crops" (Ecclesiastes 11:4.) Whatever we find to do, whatever blessing, opportunity...take a hold of it, because God can surprise you. I am not going to delve deeper as I wrote something on this the day prior. I see what my path is---do I get discouraged? Yes. Do I feel shame and guilt? Yes, Moreso because I have been conditioned to chronically seek God in every little thing, not realizing that I am a human being with needs, agency, and wants. I do not speak of following one's desires, for our desires lead us astray--if they are not pure. However, it is like being in a restaurant and praying to God for what dish to order; or going to school and praying for a major one should commit to, or praying daily for what book one should read. I feel as if the church has forgotten the fact that we ought to develop in wisdom and understanding--we say these things, but we do not understand what they mean. To grow in wisdom means we are matured, meaning we have an ability to make good judgements, to test what is before us in order to see if it is going to be fruitful or disastrous. A child that asks for advice on what to do, that is normal...but an adult that chronically cannot make decisions about even the slightest of topics without asking, without developing one's ability---is one headed for a life of danger, regret, shame and etc.
This very thing reminds me of an episode from American Dad:(https://youtu.be/6lhLK2Af9LA?si=J40h2BRGwizu0yVw)--watch it, it is exactly what I am speaking about. We have become sheep, and yes, I understand what it means that we are to be like sheep before God...but my goodness, we seem to be mindless. I was mindless and am still overcoming to a great degree. We must realize that this life is our only lived one, there is no manual, no template...yes there are rules and principles that we must follow, but further from that we make of life as we live; we learn and correct as we go. And so, no...I am not called to be a pastor, but I felt it...all because I was conditioned to believe that because I have some ability to teach, inspire others, have knowledge of certain things, and an ability to connect with others. It is in the plans for me to write about this topic, but please for the love of everything good, NOT EVERYONE IS TO BE A PASTOR JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN COMMUNICATE WELL. We have put such a premium on becoming pastors that we do not realize we can serve God and be effective in spreading the gospel as a nurse, as a psychologist, as an author, a singer, and even a police officer. I cannot quell the anger I feel within when I think of what I have been told is to become of me--when the impulses within draw me to other places, when my mind and intellect lead me to produce work for the glory of God in another sphere. It is maddening, but I cannot remain as such for long, for if I have seen what the problem is, I am already 50% of the way to fixing it. Exercise good judgement and be okay with good things, with serving God even if you're not a pastor.
Now, to continue, I have found my purpose in life. I simply want to live in it, to produce--nothing in me can quiet down, and at times I feel this frustration, that leads to a massive headache on some days when I see my current state, and where it is the road is leading me. It is a beautiful--but responsibility filled road. It made me realize that purpose comes with some pain, the same way growing up leads to pain. As a child we are content with playing with dolls, with not having money, or something being worked towards, for we are living life, careless. When we begin to grow our views change, our desires change, for we have impulses that drive us to settle down, to marry (or not), to have a dream job, and many other fancies. A purpose frees us from our current state of being, it leads us to work towards something. Daily I seek to read as much as I can on various topics, plagued by questions and ideas, dreams and visions...but I feel angry, as it never seems enough...as it does not seem like my purpose is being lived, or like I'm wasting time on unnecessary things.
It is then that I realize two things, to be content in one's current state. For the time and energy, I have now, I probably will not have later; the problems I carry now, I will wish to carry them later. Patience is a virtue, indeed. However, mistake it not, for it can turn into a vice. Patience without some current work turns into angst--whereupon our focus is shifted from one disaster to another, either perceived or not. I shall borrow from Montaigne here, "The soul that has no fixed goal loses itself; for as they say, to be everywhere is to be nowhere." If my vision is to become a CEO of a company, and suppose God has given me that impulse, I should not focus on becoming a CEO, but rather learning what it means to be a CEO. If I have an impulse to be a great and a GOOD man one day, my worry should not be about becoming that, nor thinking about it--but live and act like it. Patience with a plan and action leads to a state of calmness, a clear direction, and one is less apt to feeling frustrated for not achieving one's goal in the immediate. This lesson I have learned and am applying. Secondly, just relax. Our culture is pervaded by a notion of working hard, of self-improvement--to be at one's peak, to become SOMEONE...well I reject that notion. I do not speak against having a work ethic, nor being lazy. I speak of rest, of taking time to relax...it is okay to lay in bed for a while because you're bored. It is okay to have nothing to do on a given day, that does not make you lazy...it makes you human, natural. Further, I am not working to become someone, I already am someone. A person with abilities, gifts, traits, and virtues that must be fanned. Every day I grow into who I am, but I am not working to become someone. The distinction here is different, for in one I already see myself as a valuable person, who does not need money to be made a man, nor external validation, nor possessions of cars, or God knows what else this society perceives a man to be. The latter leads to a state of constant turmoil, where nothing is enough, where the self is never enough...that one has to have more, learn more, work out more, build more....and then one has achieved "being." That is not a life I wish to live, nor is it one you wish to succumb to.
In conclusion my dear reader, I urge you to press forward. To realize that you are an amazing person just...as...you...are. That does not mean you ought not to change HOW you are. I say this because we all have vices, even I... not shocking. I must continuously change how I am, not who I am. Purpose is what makes life worth living, but that is one side of the coin--for there is fun, there is passion, love, art, and poetry. Further, it is okay to mot have a purpose just yet...it is okay if you're discovering it...but just know, let it not consume you and rip you to shreds when you have found it, but let is renew and transform you...filling you with gladness. I will now depart.
Enjoy this tune:
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